Surrounded by Shadows of my own instability and fears

Surprised by my frequency to surpass all records of mood swings... I often find it a challenge to judge my own course. Instability is somewhat an integral part of my nature, be it the case of any trade, relation or emotion…It is hard to bank upon my on logics or reasons, about which I was so sure just few moments back…Although this makes it hard for others to judge me or map my thoughts, irony is even I am as oblivious about it as anyone else.

It’s hard to hold my ground and stand tall amidst this grave dilemma…People have tried to define it for me...They call it childish, confused, carefree attitude and at most of the occasions irresponsible behavior. I am unable to judge my own tone while dealing with others; it can be a case of utter sarcasm or may become cynical at times. But deep inside I know that’s something I never meant, never ever launched the campaign to belittle someone, as I do not hate them.

Shadows of my own instability and fears keep me at toe all the time. I never know how I may react, and what mood will commandeer my thought process. You can easily teach or make someone learn when they are willing to and have already not developed a specific tendency, even it is bit difficult yet easily achievable to change those who do have developed a set of tendencies but yes, are pretty much willing to adapt or change.

My case is complex, with the different tendencies I have adopted and while someone tries to help me rectify the issue all of a sudden they will realize I am no long in that mode but switched to an even verse form. Although I want to unlearn the screwed up things and then relearn the correct way, but slave to my own ideals or misconceptions I find it almost impossible. Leave alone an attempt to apply corrective measures. It is hard for anyone to even approach me with any such preposition.

I do know whatever mindset I have, is not entirely incorrect. My ideals are not completely wrong but the way I approach and apply these may turn out to be faulty. Repair is possible when one is unaware where exactly the problem lies and also uncertain about the exact nature of it. Hence in my case it is malignant and without any precedent…hard to judge where the actual seed is sown, what may cure it. It is almost a lost cause to find a cure when you don’t know where the root of illness lies and even unable to judge the nature of it.

Face it?

It is hard to admit,
the truth to our heart,
it's harder to admit,
our sins to our soul…

Life goes on, time pass by,
we keep on covering ourselves
in that hard shell,
anything can penetrate
but not hint of our true self…

It's hard to see the right image
without any mask,
without any veil,
life is a big masquerade party
shadows moving all around…

At times it does strikes
strikes to that little corner of our brain
where some pure blood stays for a while
to tell the truth…

but it's hard to tell,
so we search a secret keeper
that almighty or someone else
to create another myth of confession…

maybe someday we will gain courage to
face it - the saint or devil inside.
but will that happen?
When will we get the vision to see it?
and be brave enough to face it......

Wild grass growing

Wild grass growing
Wild thoughts,
running in mind.
What’s after death, am I ever going to find

Rosy pictures are some
&
some are full of sorrows
"Is this all god has given?"
Enquired I to sparrows

Sky full of clouds
a misty morning
every face is hidden
why so, I am always wondering.

Wild grass grows
eating the beautiful tulips
Sadness grows in me
Taking away the smile of my lips.

Save the tulips
Save me.
O lord save the beauty of life
For all,
to see.

Quote

It is easy to submit yourself in front of terror,
it is even easier to be a part of it,
but it is difficult to stand in front of it
and it is even hard to fight back.

I am Delhite

I am scared, I am coward,
But will boast of my strength,
I am Delhite

I am stupid, I am ill read,
But I will boast of knowledge,
I am Delhite

I am selfish, can starve my servant to death,
But I will boast of charity,
I am Delhite

My house is clean, I drink packaged water,
But make the river sewer, & boast of clean city
I am Delhite

I hate the traffic; I hate everything about my city,
But I boast the slogan ‘I love Delhi’,
I am Delhite

I can see a rape in front of my eyes,
Can see a brutal murder but won't make a whisper,
But I boast of my living conscious,
I am Delhite.

Police is Goon and Politicians Corrupt,
& I boast of Democracy and Rights,
I am Delhite.