Surrounded by Shadows of my own instability and fears

Surprised by my frequency to surpass all records of mood swings... I often find it a challenge to judge my own course. Instability is somewhat an integral part of my nature, be it the case of any trade, relation or emotion…It is hard to bank upon my on logics or reasons, about which I was so sure just few moments back…Although this makes it hard for others to judge me or map my thoughts, irony is even I am as oblivious about it as anyone else.

It’s hard to hold my ground and stand tall amidst this grave dilemma…People have tried to define it for me...They call it childish, confused, carefree attitude and at most of the occasions irresponsible behavior. I am unable to judge my own tone while dealing with others; it can be a case of utter sarcasm or may become cynical at times. But deep inside I know that’s something I never meant, never ever launched the campaign to belittle someone, as I do not hate them.

Shadows of my own instability and fears keep me at toe all the time. I never know how I may react, and what mood will commandeer my thought process. You can easily teach or make someone learn when they are willing to and have already not developed a specific tendency, even it is bit difficult yet easily achievable to change those who do have developed a set of tendencies but yes, are pretty much willing to adapt or change.

My case is complex, with the different tendencies I have adopted and while someone tries to help me rectify the issue all of a sudden they will realize I am no long in that mode but switched to an even verse form. Although I want to unlearn the screwed up things and then relearn the correct way, but slave to my own ideals or misconceptions I find it almost impossible. Leave alone an attempt to apply corrective measures. It is hard for anyone to even approach me with any such preposition.

I do know whatever mindset I have, is not entirely incorrect. My ideals are not completely wrong but the way I approach and apply these may turn out to be faulty. Repair is possible when one is unaware where exactly the problem lies and also uncertain about the exact nature of it. Hence in my case it is malignant and without any precedent…hard to judge where the actual seed is sown, what may cure it. It is almost a lost cause to find a cure when you don’t know where the root of illness lies and even unable to judge the nature of it.

Maze

Surrounded by my fears,
And guided by my vice,
Unable to see the simplicity
And incapable of bearing complexity
I wander in the maze, built by me for me...

Beauty and charm was there but,
lost in my quest to figure out grey...
Spring was the season surrounding me
Lost by advent of May...

Complexity grew so much,
It engulfed every strand of faith
Lost the way in front of me,
Left it all on fate

Unable to see what I want,
Not ready to take what others think
I built a concrete cocoon of my thought
And suffocated my soul inside it...

If the dead could speak!

Only if the dead could speak!
I would have risen to say
You forced me into death
Your love fooled me
Your trust betrayed me
Your reasons left me blank
Your lust reduced me to nothing

Still if space was given,
I could have lived, Survived the suffering.
But even this was not granted
Your breath chocked me to the verge
And cramped in your narrow thoughts,
I succumbed one day...

But are you to be blamed?
If I could have said it
Pored my heart and told you how I fee
Let you know, no longer the magic exists,
No longer I expect you to turn the,
Pumpkin into chariot...

Said that Spark was gone long back
The moment you stopped reading my eyes
I should have told you all...
Ah! Wish I did...