Surrounded by Shadows of my own instability and fears

Surprised by my frequency to surpass all records of mood swings... I often find it a challenge to judge my own course. Instability is somewhat an integral part of my nature, be it the case of any trade, relation or emotion…It is hard to bank upon my on logics or reasons, about which I was so sure just few moments back…Although this makes it hard for others to judge me or map my thoughts, irony is even I am as oblivious about it as anyone else.

It’s hard to hold my ground and stand tall amidst this grave dilemma…People have tried to define it for me...They call it childish, confused, carefree attitude and at most of the occasions irresponsible behavior. I am unable to judge my own tone while dealing with others; it can be a case of utter sarcasm or may become cynical at times. But deep inside I know that’s something I never meant, never ever launched the campaign to belittle someone, as I do not hate them.

Shadows of my own instability and fears keep me at toe all the time. I never know how I may react, and what mood will commandeer my thought process. You can easily teach or make someone learn when they are willing to and have already not developed a specific tendency, even it is bit difficult yet easily achievable to change those who do have developed a set of tendencies but yes, are pretty much willing to adapt or change.

My case is complex, with the different tendencies I have adopted and while someone tries to help me rectify the issue all of a sudden they will realize I am no long in that mode but switched to an even verse form. Although I want to unlearn the screwed up things and then relearn the correct way, but slave to my own ideals or misconceptions I find it almost impossible. Leave alone an attempt to apply corrective measures. It is hard for anyone to even approach me with any such preposition.

I do know whatever mindset I have, is not entirely incorrect. My ideals are not completely wrong but the way I approach and apply these may turn out to be faulty. Repair is possible when one is unaware where exactly the problem lies and also uncertain about the exact nature of it. Hence in my case it is malignant and without any precedent…hard to judge where the actual seed is sown, what may cure it. It is almost a lost cause to find a cure when you don’t know where the root of illness lies and even unable to judge the nature of it.

Maze

Surrounded by my fears,
And guided by my vice,
Unable to see the simplicity
And incapable of bearing complexity
I wander in the maze, built by me for me...

Beauty and charm was there but,
lost in my quest to figure out grey...
Spring was the season surrounding me
Lost by advent of May...

Complexity grew so much,
It engulfed every strand of faith
Lost the way in front of me,
Left it all on fate

Unable to see what I want,
Not ready to take what others think
I built a concrete cocoon of my thought
And suffocated my soul inside it...

If the dead could speak!

Only if the dead could speak!
I would have risen to say
You forced me into death
Your love fooled me
Your trust betrayed me
Your reasons left me blank
Your lust reduced me to nothing

Still if space was given,
I could have lived, Survived the suffering.
But even this was not granted
Your breath chocked me to the verge
And cramped in your narrow thoughts,
I succumbed one day...

But are you to be blamed?
If I could have said it
Pored my heart and told you how I fee
Let you know, no longer the magic exists,
No longer I expect you to turn the,
Pumpkin into chariot...

Said that Spark was gone long back
The moment you stopped reading my eyes
I should have told you all...
Ah! Wish I did...

What a wonderful stay

What a wonderful stay
I learnt, u made way for me to grow,
you held the light high to make the path glow
Committed errors, repeated them,
still you patted on my back,
telling “I trust you”
I learnt to win, never to lose,
learnt that all is achievable
learnt to apply myself what may come

I gained courage from you,
in the moments of despair
I garnered knowledge from you,
in the blank moments
I learnt to trust and believe
with you holding my hand in narrow lane.

It's time to fly away,
the nest you built was cozy and I felt safe
but it's time to discover new lands
I am not a brat, just a kid learning to grow up
it's not a revolt..but application of your thought

Let me go as I will learn to be safe,
let me go as your ideals are deep in me
Let me go to apply it
where I am out of the comfort zone
I am away from your safe hands
learning to follow my mentors’ path
learning to be like you...

Hold my faith

I have lost the hope
the world is no more familiar
afraid to be recognized by anyone
plan to run away from all known..
Submitted to the fear…

would those mine will ever understand
and try to figure out what's wrong?
Will leave me like a stranger
to save themselves, from my miseries
Or try to solve my problems
and embrace me within them

Faith which is lost
can be garnered again,
Holding some ones finger,
Get support from those shoulders
pat on back to console
caressing the head
to tell it's fine, don't be scared
a gentle kiss on forehead
yes we are with you always......

I wait to hold that finger,
tight hug and pat, touch of that hand,
a kiss on my forehead
to rekindle the spark for life
to shine again, and getting the strength back
to restore the faith..........

Thought...

1.Solace in a sacred relation called friendship...

2.I have chosen to get robbed of my small wishes in lieu of a big promise… This is a blunder...

3.As a kid I was rich, and now I am a bankrupt person with my dreams mortgaged to gain material worth...

4.Success and failure are two dependent states, which are entirely determined by our own self...I can be successful even after failing, just by acknowledging the efforts I made toward accomplishing the goal even though that was not done...and I can fail even after coming on top by comparing my growth with that of someone else and hence feel the relative defeat just because the other person has more than me...

5.Suffice is one word we seldom use in our life...and growth is one word we live for…but the irony is that the former is a solved quest which we never aim at and the latter is an mirage we try to reach...

6.Ever felt the joy when able to vent out the pain and agony, which at times encroaches our soul and pricks’, torments’ to penetrate even deeper is left inside...

7.Surviving is not the task, surviving with dignity intact is the aim...

8.With joy inside we can see beauty in the utmost ugly structure; hence the very notion of beauty or ugliness is derived from our own inner state...

Morning Walk...

A wet morning...walk on wet green grass, barefooted I felt the earth beneath my feet…wet sticky bit filthy but felt better then satin... Rain drops falling on me, and slowly I am all drenched...Small streams of water started to flow from my hair to forehead, and made way down on to my face...touching edges of my cheeks & a big one traveling on my nose...and the collectively merged on my wet lips...the touch is so soft and tender...as if kissing the rose petals..I can feel the earthen smell, wet soil and fresh washed leaves. A walk on the black narrow road with trees bent over it...as if this was a never ending walk...at least I won’t like it to get over.

I can hear melody in my ears, the sound of leaves flutter, birds chirp, splash of water, gushing streams, wind, horn from a distance, shouting school kids…and off course the orchestra inside my head...It was a perfect concert...

The grey cover on the sky mostly leaves me in a state of melancholy, but today it made me smile. It came from within...ah! I am happy, cannot overcome this unbounded joy, gush of happiness. Cannot contain myself, just had a smooth ride in this flow...

All those dead trees and bushes around me…reduced to burnt charcoal by blistering summer in this city of concrete suddenly became alive...life was oozing out, flowing on uneven track...along the cracks of dead bark, playing with each leave, kissing the creepers mounted atop the trees as if a crown…monsoon glory at full...

Oops, I stepped in puddle, but this is fun...to play with the rain water and to become a kid again...

It was bliss to get up early and see this beautiful painting, of which I was a tiny part...

I head to embrace success

With borrowed vision,
I will tread the lonely path
Dream is near to the end
Cold and pale, I face my reality…

Destiny never crossed my way
But when it came…
erased the path and footprints
Leaving behind me,
struggling to discover a new lane

Dual minded I venture
In the woods
No longer scared or worried
As have already lost my soul

Emotions are doomed to die
It’s just prestige at stake
Corpse of my dead dreams on my shoulder
I head to embrace success.

Drenched Soul…

Soaked...
walking on the wet pavement
trying to hold the droplets
kissing the skin

Looking toward the sky
feeling drops bouncing on cheeks
tossing back up and a splash
ah! this music

life was never so beautiful
dancing in the joy
a fit of laughter coming from within
heart swinging to the unheard tunes

Soaked skin deep
in this lovely feeling
the new meaning I have got
from you

All wet outside
drenched inside
suffering was never a bliss
but enjoying this sweet pain

No bounds to hold this
emotions oozing out
silent cry with all joy in it
state inexpressible
even in my writing....

Survival of sorrows

Dirty mud filled lanes
with stink all around
a broken street lamp
tilted a bit with corroded base

It’s drizzling hard
all wet, rain pouring in
not a corner left dry in the
dingy home of pole n polysheet..

The blue sheet is torn,
with patches all over
like tormented soul
unable to rescue this time around...

holding to the corner
a week skinny structure
resting thy head on the pole
looking outside from the cracks

Sky is grey and wet
pain is growing inside
a warm droplet rolls out
piercing thy calm

Uneven blade cutting inside
saw on wet wood
thy heart is bleeding
Silent cries from choked throat

The agony, the plight
hitting hard with every droplet
kissing thy skin,
wading through the memory lane
probing and pricking each scar
Nothing has survived
Just survival of sorrows...

sun shines behind the clouds

In the far land it's
showering light,
spreading cheer and
life blessed with happiness

but here,
sun shines behind the clouds
clouds dark and grey
thick enough allowing nothing to pass

chained in the dungeon
trying hard to come
but fails every time
misery and pain overpowering it..

It's a dark night,
night which will never pass
I keep waiting for my dawn
ignoring the fact that can never see it

busy lane

Broad lanes of busy mind,
crowded with memories,
imagination and shadows
Churning every thread,
trying to weave a story
answers prepared,
for the questions raised
this self scrutiny goes on...

Trying to see the grains
detailed facets of everything around,
being logical
and then being the fanatic
full with doubts, queries,
hopes, answers...

A violent tussle going on
and at times a serene quest
machine working it out
to ensemble parts of a jigsaw
solve the never ending set
of riddles

at peace but still at work
actions all guided by it
a pulse going around
raising question on the very existence
then getting a satisfactory answer

small pauses in between
but not full stop
with the full stop
everything will come to an end...

By the shores of a red river

Barren cold river shore.
Limbs scattered,
stench, tormenting enough
to melt my bones.
Wish I could escape far from this,
boundless river
casting death spell wherever it goes.

Brutal and red,

challenging the life - it rose high, roared,

swept away the beauty.
In a flash, laughing alive moments

washed away.
Leaving behind,

the broken parts of lives.


My eyes are moist,
at the sight of this gory scene
But I chose to do nothing
was busy building a dam,

securing my life.

secure, though all around
me was vanishing,
obsessed with ‘I’.

Like most other,

busy building their castles and boats,

while thousands are struggling to wade through,

in a desperate attempt to survive...

My castle is ready.

I am safe,

while rest fall off,

dead dry leaves
or a twig facing the heat,

perishing in their independent struggle,

clinging on to the last white grain of sand
by the shores of a red river.

Dew Drops

It's hard to get
everything you desire..
it's even harder to understand
people around you..
life and relations
both are complicated…

Quest is to stay happy..
whatsoever may come..
life will deliver you happiness
only if you give it happiness...

Still I find it hard
to forget those days
like sand it slipped away
won't come back ever
lost with time,

inside me are
the fading, yet fresh memories
more I try to move on,
more I get soaked in the
never ending, but sweet pain

yes you were right
I feel fresh,
After expressing the unexpressed
found reason for this turmoil

but I will move on
to give happiness to life
to get happiness from life
contended with the tiny dew drops
cherish it lifelong....

Washed Away

unkempt and dirty,
smelled of dry blood,
victorious I stood
in the battle field

Sticky dark stains covering
the battle field
and my soul,
with bodies all around
and behind me band played
victory song...

I stood there filled with joy (or false pride),
victorious...thinking of the glory
undefeated was I,
land was mine.....just land

There was a roar in sky,
echoing the cry inside me...
challenging my joy
and then it drizzled
blood red mud all around me

Can't stand my own presence,
what was it...
humanity taking over pride
or the moment or realization for
the victorious master of all

Ah! What pain , the agony inside,
realization when all is gone..
washed away with my stream of greed
With drizzle washed away the greed
and now I am washing the stains...